This image is of Bondi Beach today, to mark RUOK? day.
What a great initiative, a catalyst for people to ask a question, and help a person who can't find their voice.
It was that exact question that led to me having a bit of a mental health meltdown, followed by formalising my diagnosis of Bipolar II, and now feeling as though I am coming out the other side.
As I have previously discussed, ebbing and flowing is how I roll. One of my most gorgeous besties today reminded me that it is often the time that I seek help that signals the upswing in my mood, that the tide turning happens to coincide with, not result from, the 'help.' She is in a position to know. This is our 18th year of friendship. She is a mighty sensible and tolerant gal.
And today, my GP appointment was less about white magic and more about common sense.
A turning point moment was in realising that I am addicted to the chaos. My mad family of origin and all their crazy shit that I buy into, my work life as an emergency nurse, my 3 kid house and all its' natural bedlam, my 47 different half started activities (you'll notice, not half finished)...it is all about creating chaos.
Chaos is what I know. I can cope in chaos. I feel safe in chaos. It recharges me, fills my emotional tank with fuel, all needed and puffed up.
For a while. Then I realise that it is a really crappy fuel. It's energy is really short lived. And it takes more than it gives.
So the question is, how to find another fuel source.
Food, historically, is not a great choice for me. Refuel with LOTS of food and puke away the feelings. Nope, bad choice.
Run, beccy, run. Breath in the fabulousness, and breathe out shitty bad feelings. And look in the mirror sometimes. And don't be cross with what you see. You have experienced lots of interesting things, not all of them great. But you are a product of your life.
This is your life, no one else's.
Live it. Be healthy and strong. Run to refuel, fun to be fit. Run to feel good.
Off for a family camping hol on Saturday, so shall be off the air for a little while.
In the meantime...
I hope you are. And if you're not, I care. And I want you to be ok too.
Cos not ok feels a bit shit. But getting better feels pretty great.